Since I made my leap of faith into my new life I have had some low moments. Most days, however, are good. Today was NOT one of them. Abuse victims struggle with rejection. This has been a day with that theme. Nothing nowhere has been good enough. I am insanely strong and I know that but this day has tried every fiber of my being. The strength that I needed today was the strength to be rejected and be okay with that. This has been my greatest challenge since the age of four when my mother let me know that she didn’t want me to come to her at night when I was scared. Yes, it has made the #amazonwarrior , but oh God, at the cost! This warlike demeanor, the ability to keep going even when I’d rather die is convenient but it kills bits and pieces of me every day. There are tears in my psyche and heart that seem to get bigger on days like this. Some days they seem nonexistent.
The amazingly good thing about being this damn tough is that sooner or later, you RISE. The winners are the ones who just don’t quit. Winners are not special in any other way. They’re just stubborn and resilient. So, I say to you if you want to die tonight or you can’t see a way to carry on, just put one foot in front of the other all the way to the bed or the barbell, depending on whether you lifted yesterday or not, and just do what comes naturally. Either sleep or lift. There is nothing else.
Abuse survivors struggle with rejection almost all the time. Things that bother us that don’t bother other people are based on our perception of being rejected. A survival skill is the knowledge that we have the power to end this struggle at any moment in time, and we choose to keep fighting. I’m not really sure why we choose that option because on the worst days it really doesn’t seem like our best choice, still…we fight.
That fight is what moves mountains. That fight is what gets things done, dammit. That fight is what makes us continue and continue and continue… and we fight on. Since we struggle and fight so much and so hard, we are truly warriors of the highest order. We war for our right to exist. We war for our mental health. We war for our physical health against a mindset that tells our conscious mind that we are not worth all this…just quit…stop it…you don’t have to continue.
Days like this…wow…just wow…the demons all come out to play in the shadows…and yet, while we war, in the middle of the war, screaming and shrieking against the pain, we know that we are Warriors and we will not give in. We will not give up. We will not rest…no matter how hard the battle. We are not victims. We are survivors. We rule. We RISE.